YouTube, Blogging & Life

Let me catch you up.

I finished university, and got a graduate job. The day after I graduated with 1st Class Honours, I was made redundant. The next few months were filled with job hunting and moving house without any income, and living off savings and the gracious help of my family. Bit stressful.

I got a job at the end of August (deep breath)  and now I'm working full-time. All my free time is spent with my boyfriend, with my friends and visiting family as much as I possibly can, and as much as money will allow. Where, exactly, am I meant to get a spare several hours to film, edit and upload new videos every week? I'm finding that I will need to sacrifice time with my loved ones to do YouTube.

"If you really want to do something, you will find a way. If you don't, you'll find an excuse." - Jim Rohn

I don't want to think of wanting to spend time with the most important people in my life as an "excuse", but is it? I have never wanted YouTube to be a job or a responsibility, but more so a hobby that I enjoy. Recently (and I know I'm not alone) YouTube has felt like the source of all my anxiety and self-doubt. Why aren't my videos doing as well anymore? Am I getting boring? Do I need to change? Should I present myself differently? Should I change my content to be more ad-friendly? The list goes on.

It's just not fun anymore. The reason I do it is that I value you, and I don't want to let you down. I have people, actual living, breathing, feeling, people that have dedicated time to becoming invested in me, what I do, how I feel and the content I make. I appreciate your constant love and support so much, and I know that my videos are the reason you're here. I don't want to lose you. I don't care about being irrelevant in the face of all that is the YouTube community, I fear becoming irrelevant to you.

I won't quit. I'm not enjoying YouTube right now, but that doesn't mean I won't find a way to love it again. Maybe I need to change, not for those that so desperately love to remind me that I'm not good enough as I am, but for myself. Maybe the reason I doubt myself and my content isn't that the hate is getting "too much", but that deep-down, I'm also not happy with myself and how things are.

I'll figure it out. For now, writing about it helps.