There Is No Such Thing As "Too Much Sex"

If you don't follow me on Twitter, you might have missed my angry response rant to the BBC Radio 5 and Amber Davies' new "rules" for sex.

I'm a very passionate person at the best of times, but I really couldn't stay quiet when I saw someone I previously voiced my support for online suddenly telling girls that they shouldn't be having casual sex.

I was contacted by indy100 to talk more in depth about why I think Amber's comments were so damaging, and within an hour there was a full article about it only that featured all my tweets and quotes I provided.

Alright let me deconstruct this for you:

1. HAVE sex on the first date if that’s what you want to do.

If it’s consensual and safe and you’re doing 👏🏻 WHAT 👏🏻 YOU 👏🏻 WANT 👏🏻 then you’re already respecting yourself.

— B I N K Y (@itsbinkybee) April 4, 2018

2. SURE - definitely ask yourself if what you’re doing is something you’re gonna stand by when you’re sober.

Nothing wrong with this. Nothing wrong with being introspective and responsible and asking yourself the important questions.

Next.

— B I N K Y (@itsbinkybee) April 4, 2018

3. Some of us (even self respecting girls - shock!!) ACTUALLY love our sexuality and thrive off of “impressing” our partners during sex.

If we’re doing so in a healthy way that isn’t toxic and all-consuming, what’s wrong with that?

1/2

— B I N K Y (@itsbinkybee) April 4, 2018

It’s also totally valid for YOU to be more impressed if some lad doesn’t “put out” on the first date - but your experience isn’t arbitrary.

Some people actually WANT to “put out” on the first date either because it’s gone really well, OR THEY JUST WANT TO.

2/2

— B I N K Y (@itsbinkybee) April 4, 2018

4. Maybe STOP PRETENDING you’re ok with “no strings attached” and “friends with benefits” if that’s not what you want??

Don’t give men the impression you want casual sex & then blame them when YOU DEVELOP FEELINGS that they weren’t expecting.

Be on the same page.

— B I N K Y (@itsbinkybee) April 4, 2018

5. Finally, I agree. Don’t follow the crowd and do what’s right for YOU.

And that includes not listening to some of the pure ignorant shite that’s just come out of your mouth, Amber.

I have no problem with you but this was abysmal and we don’t need this kind of representation.

— B I N K Y (@itsbinkybee) April 4, 2018

Naturally my entire monologue was not featured in the original article (which you can read here), so I wanted to share the full thing with you in case you, like me, are passionate about feminism and refuse to stand by and let the slut-shaming culture take over our sex positivity.

Why do you think Amber's comments are damaging, and do you have any advice/thoughts on how to bring more sex positivity to the world?

I was so disappointed to see Amber Davies voicing such damaging thoughts and “rules” regarding women’s attitudes towards sex. I really enjoyed her presence in Love Island last year and supported her throughout the reality show, and I would like to make that clear as I don’t actually have a problem with her personally. This isn’t coming from a place of negativity towards her at all.

However, it’s so important to acknowledge that sex, sexual health and navigating sexuality is already complex enough without having influential people, such as Amber, creating rules for what she thinks should and shouldn’t be acceptable. Of course I’m concerned for the “young and impressionable”, but I receive daily messages from people of 21+ years of age that thank me for talking openly about sex because they still feel an enormous amount of shame surrounding their sexual relationships with themselves.

I need to stress that a large part of the problem surrounding Amber’s video is not the attitude itself, but the way in which it blankets over the fact that girls & women everywhere should live by them. It’s totally okay for Amber, or anyone, to not want to have sex on a first date, to want to avoid sexual encounters while under the influence of alcohol, to not want to have casual sex, to not want to use her sexuality to impress boys and to not want to “follow the crowd”. All of those are very valid decisions to make for yourself.

The problem arises when she then takes those ideas and makes a video instilling the thought that her way is the right way. What about people that want to have sex on the first date because they’re making the informed decision to do so? What about people that give informed and enthusiastic consent when under the influence of alcohol, provided that they’re not entirely wasted and unable to consent? There are millions of people that aren’t interested in romantic relationships and they want and are enthusiastic about having casual sexual relationships, and that’s absolutely fine too!

Sex and relationships aren’t cookie-cutter experiences, and that’s why you can’t make such generic “rules”. It’s also entirely hypocritical that she’s telling an audience to “not follow the crowd”, while simultaneously telling them what to do.

Slut-shaming is a very real issue in our world, and it’s not cute. I firmly believe that there is no such thing as a “slut” and that using derogatory terms when referring to another person comes from a deeper problem and/or insecurity within each person. You can’t argue the fact that it comes across as an inherent need to make themselves appear to be “above” others in some way.

Bringing more sex-positivity to the world requires a complex rewiring of people’s mentalities. That won’t happen overnight, and a lot of people’s minds cannot be changed. I do what I can in the form of talking very openly about sex, my relationship with myself and my feelings towards such issues with everyone that will listen. It started with my family, then my friends and now it’s become my own online community of 70+ thousand people collectively, where I’m fighting to erase the concept of “taboos”. Talking openly, honestly and allowing yourself to feel vulnerable in the face of others is absolutely the way forward, but it’s a completely personal journey for everyone.

Self-respect is not about how others perceive you, but rather about how you commit to chasing your dreams, fulfilling your own passions, making informed decisions in your own best interest and doing do unapologetically.