My Small Boobs Ruined My Life

Photo credits @jondbarker - Mid Tea Photography

*ahem* Yes, that's a pretty dramatic title.

I spent the grand majority of my teen and adult life hating my body. I have always placed a lot of my personal self-worth on my sexual performance (perhaps a conversation for another time), and having small boobs was always something that dramatically affected my ability to love myself.

We should all strive to be more "body positive", but years of comparing ourselves to other people, being told which is the "ideal" way to look (where most of us don't fit that description) and the occasional dabble in body dysmorphia (thanks, Facetune), makes it particularly difficult to take a look at your body and love it - especially where your brain sees the things you dislike about yourself in a far more exaggerated way.

Creams, pills & bras

When I was 15, I became obsessed with "breast enlargement" creams and pills from eBay. Mental. If I could get all that money back, I'd probably be halfway to having a deposit for my first home. I would blindly apply these creams and take these pills that would supposedly make my girls grow 3 sizes. Who even knows what was in those pills and creams?! Not me - I never questioned it.

After 2 years of hoping, wanting and wishing, I gave up on those creams and pills, and moved onto an obsession with push-up bras. My boobs had grown somewhat (thanks to puberty, not the pills) and when I could finally wear "real" bras, I discovered the magic of push-up. Who cares that it's super uncomfortable to have your tatas squished up to your neck, right? So long as it gives you the appearance of a bigger rack, right? Ugh.

Push up bras were so painful - not only physically, but also emotionally. Have you ever gone round with your sexy faux-DDs, only to take your bra off at the end of the day and watch that illusion disappear? Words can't describe the level of self-loathing I would sink into when I would take off my bra before having sex. Most of the time, I would keep it on.

Surgery

After my nose job in 2016, I started considering whether or not I would get a breast augmentation someday. On one hand, I felt massively empowered by my first surgery, and I really felt like I could make any decision I decided was right for myself. Despite my huge desire to have bigger boobs, I had several reservations:

• Given that my issue came from a fundamental lack of self-love, would I actually be happy with bigger swingers, or, would I just find another reason to hate myself?
• Am I prepared for the responsibility that comes with a boob job? Can I guarantee that I will have the money, health and/or disposition to get a new surgery every 10 years?
• I want kids. I want to breastfeed. Would titty implants impact this in any way? Might I regret this surgery when my milk monsters fill up after I have a baby?
• What happens if I don't like the results? Will I be stuck in a never-ending cycle of surgeries?
• Am I willing to deal with any health issues that may arise post-op?

After years of debating and arguing against myself... I've decided I will not be getting a boob job.

My last real hope for bigger hooters lies with having children - all women in my family went from As to DDs after having their first child, so I guess I will have to wait and find out.

If I'm all out of options for growing my boobs, how do I learn to love and accept them as they are?

The first thing I had to do was accept that my chesticles are small, and that they may always be small, but how do you suddenly just "accept" something you've spent the majority of your life desperately trying to change? I have a long way to go - but there are a few things that have really, really helped:

Not wearing a bra

I scoffed at everyone that suggested this to me - you want me to disregard my biggest insecurity and bare it naked (not literally) for everyone to see? Well, yeah... I hate to admit it, but abandoning my push-up bras was the best thing I ever did.

The mind is a wonderful thing, and it's crazy how quickly I grew accustomed to seeing my real chest in the clothes that make me feel good. This year I've replaced all my bras for a collection of unpadded, non-push-up bras that I don't even feel the need to wear.

I've reinvented my wardrobe and fashion sense to include pieces that look better without a bra, so as to encourage me to not wear one. Better yet, no one seems to have noticed. If anything, I find myself mentioning it more because it feels so good to go bra-less.

Therapy

I'm so painfully aware that I'm in a very privileged position, with free access to regularly-scheduled therapy sessions with a kind, understanding professional who's helped shift my perspective on much more than just this.

I can't stress the benefits of therapy if it's available to you. Some people say that therapy doesn't work for them, but my truth is that it only works if you're open to it. If you're deep-set in your convictions and aren't willing to admit you might be wrong, nothing anyone says to you will help you - professional or not.

Consider your thought patterns and if therapy is an option for you. It's worth a try, even if you're sceptical. You won't walk away from it feeling any worse-off.

Social media

You won't like what I will say next - but you need to cull who you follow on social media. Seems a bit "extra" to unfollow someone simply because they have bigger melons than you, but it's not really that simple.

We're conditioned to compare ourselves to the things we see - and it's not surprising that seeing pictures of beautiful women with big ol' tiddies all over your social media feeds would make you feel like what you're seeing and liking is an unattainable goal for you.

I've unfollowed the people who provided me with no other value beyond their appearance. Sure, I still follow many girls with various body types and breast sizes than myself: friends, entrepreneurs, journalists, aspirational influencers, the list goes on... But these are accounts that feed me more than just amazing pictures of their varying figures.

Moments of weakness

We all have them. It's important to have them, so that you can teach yourself to get out of that mindset. The more you practice getting back on your feet, the easier it will be over time.

Some days I'm really not feeling myself, and that's totally ok. The general goal in all this is to be a little bit kinder to myself, whether it's about my boobs, or anything else.

Being in the itty-bitty-titty-committee has ruined many things for me - from my personal self-love, confidence and respect, to many nights of hot, hot sex that could've been great if I had felt confident enough to really let loose... But I won't let it ruin another moment.

I am who I am, I look how I look, and my body is a powerful machine. I've been striving to live my life with complete disregard for my insecurities. I fail a lot - but I also succeed a lot more nowadays than when I first started trying... So I think I'm doing good!